After struggling for many years, you are now doing well in life and have a newfound strength. Only, your family and friends aren’t cheering you on or supporting you. In fact, they are alienating you and, sometimes, they are downright hostile. While you should not go looking for such negative responses, don’t be surprised when it happens. The discussion below may help you to understand how this happens.
Why Is Your Change So Tough on Others?
At a basic level, your growth upsets the status quo. The role you played no longer works and, as you step out of character, you jar everyone around you from family and lovers to friends and colleagues. You’re no longer saying what they expect to hear and they, in turn, cannot give the same responses they used to. In simple terms, they fear the unknown.
In addition, people who are threatened by your newfound strength will probably twist it into something negative. Instead of being admired, you’ll be labeled snooty. While these ploys seem confusing, their aim is to manipulate you through guilt.
For example, say that when you first married, you quit your job to raise a family. Now that the children are in school, you return to work. While your career blossoms, your marriage undergoes strain. A common thing many husbands say is, “This wasn’t what I signed up for. I never see her anymore. Why does she have to work?” Friends who are threatened by your success tend to say things like, “You’ve been ignoring us. You don’t have time for your buddies anymore.” Meanwhile, they’re the ones who stood you up for lunch.
Do You Go Back to Who You Were?
When the new you is being criticized, what should you do? While it may seem easiest to regress to what you were before, this option is only best in the short term; in time, it may cost more emotionally. For example, you’ve recently moved into your first apartment and enjoy the time of burgeoning responsibilities and freedom. When you return to your parents’ home for a visit, you regress into the obedient daughter who is criticized for her hair and clothes. It’s as if you’re seven-years-old again.
As you deal with this situation, understand that it takes a lot for your parents to let go and recognize that they may feel insecure. Keep in mind that this is their problem, not yours. In time, you’ll find that your relationship with your parents will be energized and the bond between you reinforced.
Letting Go and Moving on
There may be people who can’t or won’t accept the new you. Leaving them behind is the only healthy thing to do. Here’s an example of how this happens. For years, you and a friend, Marianne, used to train for marathons together and hung out all the time. In time, you worked hard and became a successful travel agent who now travels the world. You’ve also met a man to whom you’re now engaged. As he competes in triathlons, you now bike and swim as well to keep your fiancée company. With only so many hours in a day, you find it difficult to spend time having coffee with Marianne, (like you used to.) In fact, when you do meet, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation going as there’s no longer a meeting of minds. If so, let the friendship go and move on with your life.
Here are a few suggestions to help you become stronger as you build a new life:
- Schedule some solitude every day because this initial period of transition can make you feel isolated. David Posen, author of Always Change a Losing Game says, “[Y]ou need that loneliness. It can help you grow into the new you and learn to like yourself all over again.”
- Replace old choices with smarter ones. For example, if you’ve quit smoking, then take up a new hobby like gardening or exercising.
- Stop pining for approval. Instead, risk others’ disapproval and give yourself the praise and esteem you deserve.
Ultimately, as you evolve, you must stay loyal to yourself to be truly happy. By using the suggestions made above, you’ll learn to do the things you love and, soon, you’ll be thriving in your wonderful new world.
Sources:
- Posen, David B. Always Change a Losing Game: Playing at Life to Be The Best You Can Be Firefly Books (March 1, 1997)
Aneeta Sundararaj - Aneeta Sundararaj is an established freelance writer and published author who writes well-researched articles on various topics.
